This confession was inspired by: +piecesofme
In my life I’d came across a few men, that for a while I thought…. Soulmates! That was so not the case. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that they were not. Either these men saw a window of opportunity to get laid or I chased them away by overwhelming them with my love.
I grew up with little to maybe even no love. I was never shown affection that I felt was real (until recently which I will come to that in a bit). I should’ve grown up to be mean and bitter… Instead, I grew up with a stubborn idea that I would find the perfect man for me. I grew up hungry for love and hungry to give it. When I was a child I would stay away from neighborhoods during holidays and just stick to being in the city. But it didn’t matter… Everywhere I looked, there was someone hugging and/or kissing. I felt and saw the energy in which this affection was being transferred. I seen this beautiful light that looks like the Aurora in the skies of Alaska being flown out from the bodies of two people kissing or just hugging. I seen it specially when there were no words only hugs. I seen this light soon after a child got hurt, the mother running to the rescue, the child seeking for comfort. I am hungry for that feeling… That warmth fed by that light. I had it once when my baby girl (my only child) was born. As bad as I wantef more children, I secretly used anticipation to prevent getting pregnant again because my current husband was abusive.
Ok, yes I have a husband. Whom I respect as a person, even though abusive he has been giving me food and a roof. I am thankful for that. Been married for over 20 years, neither being faithful to our bows, and sleeping in separate rooms without physical contact for the past 5 years.
Being hungry for this love I have witness in the past, which my daughter have fulfilled part of that hunger…. I still haven’t met my soulmate. I always tend to turn my head when a tall, average beard Joe, blue eyes man would walk by and rape him in my mind lol (I still do…. What can I say… Women get horny too!) In the search for it, I have put my self in the path of danger to the point of almost losing my own life. My very first boyfriend broke a rib and knock me down unconscious, waking up in the hospital. My second (current husband, made a slave out of me by locking me up (literally in the room) making me ask permission to use the bathroom. I dislike him for many other reasons (long story), but I have my reasons for still leaving with him, though as roommates. Throughout the years I had been dating and came across a bit few more men, 5 of them til today I had came intimate with. One of them after the second time made it clear it was just sex, I said lol ok “bye, don’t let the door hit you in the ass!” More like, I kicked him to the curve. The other four led me to believe they loved me, (“I fooled around and fell in love” James Brown) so I gave it my all, and that’s where I messed up I think. Perhaps, to them (they thought) after learning I was married, I was maybe just a desperate wife looking for a good lay. I know I was a good lay… I made sure of it lol. No, but seriously… I didn’t feel it. I didn’t see that light… Perhaps I was just played.
Recently, in a social poker room, a truckdriver came across my path, he chased and chased. He always appeared on the sidelines cheering me on by typing come on sugar (2muchsugar was my screen name), you can do it! For a while after a few times of sharing some poker tricks during games and beating him at the game (he is a genius poker player lol and let me win), i gave him my number. We became friends… I shared that I was married, living together but in separate rooms meaning no physical contact… He then shared he too was in a rocky marriage and not happy. As time went by, conversations went from friendly to hot and steamy. Hey, don’t judge… A get lonely… I’m aloud to fantasize! One day,he surprised me with a phonecall telling me he was in my area. The first time we met and we kissed (which was spectacular… But maybe is because I haven’t been kissed in years), I saw the reflection of the light in his eyes and felt an amazing energy when we had sex. I didn’t want it to stop! He was feeding me what I was hungry for my entire life. And wanted some more. His wife found out about me, mare him choose and he chose her (it’s complicated and a long story… I never met a man like him and I will miss him).
Once again I found my self alone. I do believe in soulmates… This one was taken. I made him understand I can walk out any time I want. But, it just didn’t work out.
My soulmate is somewhere out there. It takes a very special man to see me. Not my beauty but me as in my soul. I might of met the wrong man over and over. The last man was maybe life’s sample of what happiness could be like. Maybe the next man I run across will be my soulmate. Who knows, maybe it’s you.
Yours truly, be Ms Lovely