Confession #6: Religion

Let me begin by saying that I have major respect for the human mind. The mind is a powerful self programmed  machine. Sometimes others can program it, what I would call brain washed. My point is that what ever you allow your self to believe whether by another’s say so or self experience/witnessed. . . Only the self have the ability to change one’s believes. So I respect your believes, please respect mine. 

  I became a non believer of god (“the magic man in the sky”) at the age of 6. By the age of 10 I really REALLY didn’t believe in god. 

Here is why:

* From as far as I can remember, I was taught to say my night prayers the Christian way. As a curious child I questioned the reason for the prayer and to whom we were praying to.

The answer always was: we pray to God. God is spirit no man have ever seen. We look up because God is in heaven and heaven is in the sky.

I heard it from both Christians and an old lady I stumbled upon holding a rosery, praying while staring at a picture of Jesus, with an alter full of candles with pictures of other people with funny wardrobe.

As for the “reason”: to give thanks for everything we have, for our life as well as for others'(made sense), to give thanks for our mom and dad (I didn’t have with me at that time), and to ask god to protect us from all evil (devil) and from harm (which I needed a lot of that). So I prayed every single night.

* What caused me to become a non believer?: Non of my prayers ever had results. Little by little I felt like I was giving and giving as far as in being loyal and thankful… Yes, I was thankful to be alive. But as an abondoned child on the streets of Mexico at times ending up in some stranger’s house (when someone felt sorry for me and convinced me to go home with them…. Big mistake!). I was abused in every way you can think of. When I was being beat to the point of passing out, I prayed and pleaded for protection prior and during. The beatings never stopped. When I was being molested and raped… I prayed for it to stop to send someone to protect me… Nothing happened. When I was hungry and my tummy was burning and bloated from starvation… I prayed. When I was cold and didn’t have warm clothes or shelter, I also prayed for help. All those times while still saying ” thank you, at least you granted me to stay alive.”

I never got angry at god. I was angry at myself for believing in such thing. I thought “if I need to get out of this one… I’m on my own!” So you know what I did… I stopped praying. When I was cold I stayed active to stay warm. I ran or fast but and searched for things to keep me warm at the same time as well as for searching for shelter. When I was hungry, I got off my ass to look in the garbage for food in bear by restaurants when cleaning car windows wasn’t making me money. When I was beat I wasn’t gonna go down without a fight… I fought my own battles waiting for the slightest chance to escape. And I did! I was taught by an old homeless man to poke the eyes, bite, kick the balls, when the abuser was leaning down towards and close to my face, I was told to jump and hit them as hard as I could with the top of my head aiming for their nose. The old man said with a smile “they won’t be expecting that.” He also told me I had a split second to get away. He taught me to also aim for the throat and punch as hard as I could. The split second he was talking about… Was the moment the abuser released in able to react to my attack.

I didn’t find this man by chance … So that rules out a guardian angel. I found him by asking random people to teach me to fight. Then there he was. A short, dark, and skinny man, with a head full of white hair. His face had scars (which in my mind I thought “he must of had a lot of fights in his life”). I noticed he was doing the same thing I did, except for the sipping on coffee and smoking a cigarette part. He was sitting there quiet, for hours I watched as he sparked one cigarette after another. I had seen him before at that same spot. Does nothing but observe people. Smiled when he was entertain and frown when he wasn’t pleased by some people’s behavior. Every now and then he would greet the ladies (he sure was a flirt). When I saw him looking around for his things (seemed as if he was about to pick up his things to get up and go). I rushed to him and sat next to him right on top of his newspaper. He looked at me and smiled, waited for a few seconds and asked “well?” The ice was broken, so I just blurred it out “can you teach me to fight?” He grabbed my chin and tilted my face to the side, fixed his glasses, and took a good look at my bruised jaw fading green up towards my cheek and said “claro que si!” (Meaning: of course!)

* Later in my older years I went looking for a church. I was pregnant and I was looking to for a place where my daughter could grow up in a decent environment. It turned out that every church I assisted, ether pressured me to join, pressured me to bring others to “the house of God” (more people more money I suppose), listened to the gossiping whispers of other teens judging me and making fun of others. I was pregnant.. I drew the line when I went up for close to the altar for prayer.. everyone was doing it and I was curious as for why people were fainting when the preacher touched their forehead. Preacher was saying it was the hand of God, knowing my background… Maybe and possibly I was wrong, I wanted to feel this hand of God. Finally, I made it to the front, I close my eyes, raised my hands up at the sky, and I got emotional. I started to cry and shouted in prayer, “god, I’m here once more, i was loyal to you… Why did BV you leave me when I needed you. I was told that you loved me. If all very this people are here worshiping you… You must be real. If you are the god of love and you love your children, why did you didn’t you safe me?” At that point I felt a thumb pressed against my forehead. I opened my eyes and saw the preachers intense frown on his face looking right into my eyes saying “in the name of Jesus I deliver you from all your pain.” I looked at his hand and saw a small bottle of virgin olive oil and thought ‘ that’s probably what he rubbed on my forehead.’ in a split second, the preacher came at my forehead full force, palm open, and pushed me so hard that it made me take two real fast stumbling steps backwards, tripped and fell back. Two women were already there ready to break my fall. Almost as if it was planned.

The preacher, with his hands in the air spoke some gibberish (“spoke in tongues”), walked away like nothing… What got me was that as he walked away speaking in “tongues” in between the words he shouted “OH THE POWER OF GOD IS IN US TONIGHT!!!” Pushed two more as he passed by them and ordered to “FEEL IT!” My temper got the best of me. I shouted “HEY… WHAT IF THIS WOMEN DIDNT CATCH ME WHEN I FELL CAUSE YOU PUSHED ME SO DAMN HARD!!! THE ONLY THING I FELT WHEN I FELL BACK WAS YOUR BIG FAT HAND HITTING MY FOREHEAD AT FULL FORCE… I EVEN THINK IT GAVE ME A BRIEF HEAD ACHE.”
Long story short… I got kicked out lol. I mean who gets there ass thrown out of church right? Yeah, well I do. Hardy harr harr.. big deal! I didn’t care, I didn’t like it anyways!

So yeah, I became a non believer of human religion. And discovered something way more complex and way further then a book that was written by men who could’ve very easily alter the story of true prophets for their own advantage. I got in touch with myself, my spirit, my soul, life, reality, the universe, and what sustains life… The sun! I don’t worship anything, and only embrace, I acknowledge life within my self and life around me. I respect life, I do what is common sense to do. I do what is morally right thing to do. You don’t need to be submerged into a pool of water to have a clean conscious, even though I don’t always have clean and sin free thoughts (if very kinky sexual thoughts are consider sins lol). I don’t need to be member of a church, know the Bible by memory, or worship a god or a statue to do right by other people. To do what’s right period. As far as sex goes… I don’t know what is right or wrong… I just go with what feels good. If rough and dirty rocks your boat, get it! If that is a sin, well I might just get spanked right into the flames of hell.

* Someone once told me (trying to convince me that everything I went through was god’s plan and everything he does, he does for a reason. true philosopher if you tell me!) You know for a “loving God… He sure picked the worse eternal punishment (or threat that is) if you don’t accept him in your heart. Lol no wonder people fear him. God reminds me of my first boyfriend. He was never there, yet ordered me to wait on him hand and foot. Was never around but expected me to be loyal and love h unconditionally. When I didn’t do what he said the beatings were terrible! Til he put me in the hospital. . . I said “the F@#$&ck if I go back to your coward ass. You will never lay a hand on me again!” And that was the last time I saw him.

Well that’s my point of view about religion. But hey what ever makes ya’ happy. And I know it is common sense that we were created. Just like gravity and the universe is set with many mysteries far beyond our own understanding. Studying it further would be the right thing to do. Not making something up just to fill in the hole in the question. Accept that some things we just don’t understand , know right from wrong, have a good moral character standard (in the bedroom all bets are off of course! Lol), appreciate the simple things in life, if you’re shooting for riches… The best more you have the more you want, and that my background friend, leads to unhappiness.

Yours Truly, Ms Lovely

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